It happens every so often, albeit less often as time goes by. My head immunity gets worn down and I wake up in a funk. While my eyes are still closed and my body is actually still asleep, a little corner of my mind wakes up and is conscience. And there is a little floating particle of a second where my mind is clear and free and life is easy. And a half of a second later, I feel like I am forgetting something. And then it hits me- each time the bomb leaving less and less destruction.
Autism. The word is still slightly foreign rolling off my mind’s tongue. And I realize I am not still sleeping or dreaming and I wake up- my eyes pop open wide. My hands used to shake too, but that doesn’t happen anymore. How will I do this? How will I navigate this world? I think without words, and get up to start my day- not enough. And I used to think these moments were set backs. That I wasn’t as good as I thought. That in fact I was not as happy as I feel on most days. That perhaps I am actually just a big fat fraud.
I had shoulder surgery in October. It was painful at first as my muscles learned to move and breathe and heal. Each day got a little bit better. Then one day, at random- there would be pain, taking me back to the first days after surgery. It didn’t mean I was back at square one- it’s just how the body heals- a squiggly line as opposed to a straight one.
The past week was so hard and had me tangled up. And this morning when the bounce returned to my step I understood that the mind and the heart heals squiggly too friend, and sometimes even goes in loop de loops. It’s like a flu- but with your feelings. A feelings flu, and sometimes it’s just gotta work its way out of your system. And all week I thought the universe was certainly conspiring against me but I think what was happening was I was just resisting what is real and truth. The more I resist life- the more it hurts- like if I were wearing handcuffs.
Finally today I was able to open my arms up wide and take it all in. Breathe in and out to full capacity again. I resist nothing, I said over and over again any time I started to sweat the things that aren’t real or don’t matter. And PS- Pretty much EVERY SINGLE THING in the future isn’t real. Not yet or maybe not forever. Try it- I RESIST NOTHING. It’s horrible and wonderfully freeing all at once. I’m serious- right now I want to hear you say it. I resist nothing. Write it down if you are a stubborn, visual soul doll baby like me.
And today the handcuffs were gone and the baggage was opened and sweetly placed in drawers in exactly the right spot. I was able to love my truth all around me.
Like Parker loves peanut butter. Doodle takes peanut-buttering seriously, yo. Belle the Puggle was kissing on peanut butter scented Parker. I told him to kiss her back, but I wasn’t expecting this… It’s funny, if someone took away this life tomorrow- I’d fight like mad to get it back. I love it, exactly the way it is.
This much. I swear.
Exactly the way it is.
Life is an art of acceptance. Like any art it takes imagination and vulnerability and trying new things and a fluid and reckless loss of control. The whole thing- it’s an amazing master piece that can be added to or painted over in an instant. Dazzling colors can be blended and shaded together brilliantly, each one unique. Nothing is permanent. Especially not feelings. What is everything you thought to be true- wasn’t? What if all the answers are just right and will be answered right on time but not RIGHT NOW? What if this is exactly what you are supposed to be doing, thinking, feeling and saying at this moment? It’s possible- right? Have a wonderful weekend. Love, Chrissy Find me on Facebook and Instagram at @lifewithgrey
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