If I let myself off the hook from writing more often- then I would let myself off the hook from looking for inspiration... I need to find some sort of morsel of inspiration in order to write... And if I didn't write very often, I might not look for inspiration as much. That's not OK with me. Like Love and food and water and shelter- I need it to survive...
Even if you don't write- remember to look for inspiration...sometimes it plays hide and seek- but it's always there wanting to be found...
This weekend was good...really good... but I may need a weekend to recover from my weekend...
We played at the park...
We went to an amazing and fun 1st Pajama Birthday party...
I figured a little icing couldn't hurt him...
And tonight we watched a little Super Bowl with Friends...
Last week taking Parker to speech and being able to watch his sessions stirred debris in my mind. It hits me in small moments, like an intense contraction. So much pain... out of nowhere... in the middle of whatever I'm doing and I want to scream out... I get angry...angry he doesn't talk at all...angry with parents who hear I love you and Mommy...Angry at simple Bible verses that don't touch the pain...angry at science for not knowing more about the brain...Angry at myself for feeling so unbearably crushed...
Staying in bed and marinating in sad isn't an option though... And like all hard things in life the intense part goes away...the contraction ends... I see a spot of bright light up ahead... And with a renewed focus I move forward... I remember purpose. I remember I recovered with Grey to the point my world was in color again...and I remembered the pain will always come and hit me out of nowhere sometimes- yes...but then it will go away. It always goes away.
I had a friend ask if it was ever hard to be around Typical Kids...
And the answer for me is - All the time- Some of the times... Only in moments... I don't think about it all the time like I did when I first realized that Greyson was delayed and I couldn't stop comparing. To see kids so much younger than Grey exceed him developmentally...talking...pointing...just getting the World and how it works...To see other kids face light up with a gift or a hug. Random evidence of love and knowledge and connection- not always...but sometimes- it hurts... When I walk in from being gone and neither Parker nor Grey turn in my direction...light up...or even notice me...it hurts... I didn't know it was possible to feel so invisible.
Saturday night I was lucky enough to go to wine night with women folk...And although the wine was great- it was the talkingthat makes me feel better...connected...more human... We had real genuine conversation. The more I talk to real honest humans, in real life and through the writing of this blog- the more I realize-- I think we all think we are the only crazy ones out there.
I think that most of us are just a normal kind of crazy. Not crazy-crazy like we think... I have issues- and I try my darndest to be aware of them, own them and not feel shame that makes me feel the need to hide them. It's a daily process. Admitting when I feel weak in order to be strong...
We see the good parts of other people's lives. We don't witness their fights ...their ugly hair first thing out of bed... the crazy stressed mad dash to get out the door in the morning...we don't feel their anxiety or depression...their feelings of inadequacy or sadness... we don't see each others dirty toilets, we don't hear their fights about work or life or finances or parenting...we often don't share our ugliest of insecurities...And then we assume we are the only ones with this ugly imperfectness going on...
I saw those at Trader Joe's over the weekend which then inspired this post... see inspiration everywhere...
I want to share with you... Friends- We are all a normal kind of crazy... We all have our bits of nutty. It doesn't make us any less lovable... It just makes us real...
Good luck conquering your Monday...
Love,
Chrissy
Article Courtesy: Chrissy Kelly
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