I tried to pretend like last night was like any other night.
Deep breath in. Exhale. Deep breath. Exhale.
No thinking. Stop thinking. I SAID NO MORE THINKING, CHRISSY. I felt like it was the night before I was giving birth and I knew that by today everything would change. Maybe for just a day and maybe for forever. I had no idea what it all was going to look like or what I was going to feel like. I squeezed my eyes shut tight and whispered, I can’t believe I almost forgot to tell you, Thank you. It’s me, God- Chrissy. And I don’t need anything tonight. I just wanted to say thanks.
I didn’t have butterflies in my stomach, they were actually fish and they were bucking and flipping over and splashing around violently. I tried to recall the last time I felt so anxious and so much adrenaline for something amazing. It’s been a long time.
And after waking up numerous times throughout the night, I woke up to the real today. A day just like any other day but in an entirely different universe. I made my coffee first and then I snuggled back into bed with Greyson and Jack the dog and I finally allowed myself to open my computer.
And I was scared. So scared when I realized it was actually me being born.
For those of you that don’t know, my family’s story was featured at a big safe place in the sky called Momastery. Momastery is a blog and a person and a way of Life. Momastery is the place you go to learn that We can do hard things, Love wins, and We belong to each other. Glennon Melton is the Mom that gave birth to Momastery and I am gracious that she shined her bold and brave light of truth on me.
I was so nexcited. Nervous and excited. I read comment after comment about me, about my family and about our story. It was a little out of body. I couldn’t sort out all of my feelings or feel them fast enough. Nervous and excited and happy and sick to my stomach and scared. Hands shaking scared.
Michael, the out of town for work husband started texting me like crazy- first thing this morning, giving me updates.
36 comments on Momastery!
1,500 likes on Facebook!
And he started emailing me other links he found on the Internet discussing my words… I opened the first one and started to read…and I started to cry. In my blog post on Momastery, I discussed my feelings about the realization that Greyson was autistic. I wrote, I had irrational thoughts. I remember thinking- I wish Greyson had cancer, then there would at least be the possibility that it could go away. And this comment had hurt some hearts that had been affected by cancer and they were angry. In no way would I ever make light of cancer. And they had a right to share their feelings – just like I had a right to share mine. But I’m not in the business of hurting feelings, so when I do, especially with purest of intentions, it makes me sad. I know just how lucky I am to have my babies in this world. After I dropped the boys off at therapy this morning I sat in my car thinking and honoring and loving those affected by cancer like crazy. And to those parents, I want to say, I am on your side. I don’t know the pain of cancer, only the pain of pain. And if you lost your child to cancer, I am so sorry. You know a pain that no person should ever have to know.
Am I sorry I wrote the cancer comment? Not at all. It was exactly what I was feeling at that time in my life and I wanted to be able to take you to that dark place. Do you know that dark place? Where you have no idea how you will find the courage to get out of your bed and breath all day long? Where you only eat so you can nurse your 4-month-old but feel sick every time you do? And despite the fact that your sheets feel scary and suffocating and dirty they still feel safer than the world? A place where showers were something you used to do when life made sense? Where you sleep- not to rest but to escape your own mind? Where you are wearing the same big sweatshirt you’ve had on for days but don’t give a shit? I was there. I want to be painfully authentic about my feelings. I do not want to censor myself because then my writing will lack authenticity. I don’t know how to write fiction.
So for a few hours today I stepped away from the phone and computer and regrouped and refound my voice. I Mom’ed. I picked the boys up from Behavior therapy, which luckily, sometimes looks like fun.
For a little while today I felt like Parker here. Completely overwhelmed.
It’s all good now.
Many kids on the spectrum are highly sensitive to touch. They either love or can’t stand touching things with different textures. This wall helps work through that.
Today Parker ran up to me and wrapped his chubby little arms tightly around my neck and gave me a brilliant hug, he pulled back slightly and looked deep into my eyes, and for the first time in his life he gave me a kiss all own his own. I didn’t even have to ask. Little light bulbs daily, Friends.
After we got home we had lunch. For a few weeks now Greyson has been using a picture exchange book. When Greyson can’t express himself he gets so frustrated, but now thanks to this book, to a certain extent he has a voice.
Now when Greyson wants something- He just “asks”.
Baby wants hot dog? Baby gets hot dog. Today’s Momastery post has reinforced for me the importance of being able to express yourself. I don’t know how I would be okay if I couldn’t share my words and feelings and be heard and relate to other beautiful people. Being able to relate to others is one of the greatest gifts in the world. I want that gift for Greyson and Parker too. Seeing Greyson express himself with this book often brings me to tears.
Despite the fact that he is a wee-man today Parker insisted on sitting in a big boy chair.
Later this afternoon we had some more Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) at home. I’ll usually refer to it as just therapy or Behavior Therapy. One of the things Greyson is working on is sorting like items.
It helps him make sense of the world and organize his mind. His therapist will hand him an item and say- Greyson, put with Food (or clothes or drawing for this trial). Greyson is learning to sort items and I am learning to sort out my feelings. We are both always learning. It’s one of my favorite hobbies in the world.
This evening the boys and I unwound at the pool during the bewitching hours. I said to heck with the no-naked-pool-time rule I’ve worked so hard to establish. Suddenly I realized that I wanted to join the boys in the water, but I didn’t have a suit close by. I couldn’t handle the double tantrum of bringing them inside with me to grab my suit and I couldn’t leave them alone by the pool. So I went for it. There I was, with my tattered and comfortable, at least 2-years-old Victoria’s secret black thong underwear (AND TRIED TO IGNORE THE FACT THAT THE TWO-STORY NEIGHBORS BEHIND US CAN SEE DIRECTLY INTO OUR POOL).
This new born baby got baptized.
In this picture I blurred my feet out and focused on the water because I have bunions. SEE!!! THIS TRUTH TELLING IS SO INTOXICATING!!!
Today was outright amazing. And as this crazy and glorious day unwinds, I’m grateful for being born today. Yes, the lights are bright and I am unsure of this beautiful new world. My brand new skin is sensitive and splotchy and thin. It will toughen with time.
And I am so excited and grateful to share autism awareness and to continue to change the world two eyes at a time. In addition to the eleventy-zillion hits on Momastery, 10,748 people stopped by our blog today Friends! That’s over 21,000 eyes!!! I can’t stop smiling and reading your stories and comments and loving and relating. I am grateful.
What are you grateful for today? I want to know.
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Article Courtesy: Chrissy Kelly